Why “Listening” as a FI/FIRE Blog Post Topic?
This might seem like an odd topic for a FI/FIRE blog, but this is FIcology (Financial Independence + Psychology = FIcology). FI’s not worth much if we’re not happy and healthy. And you may remember from 009 | Community: Life or Death / Boom or Bust that community is key to physical and mental health.
Recently, I’ve had some interactions with people where I listened intently while they talked. Then when I talked, they immediately picked up their phones instead of listening (instead of REALLY listening, anyway). I didn’t take offense, but it makes me wonder if maybe I’m that “uninteresting” or “boring”. That is definitely possible, even likely, btw. But I think it’s largely attributable to a couple of things. First, smartphone use has gotten so normalized (and so addictive) that we don’t think anything about picking it up to “multi-task”. Second, we’ve forgotten the importance of listening and we’ve lost the skill.
And here’s the real motivation for this post…
Rather than risk throwing stones from the proverbial glass house, I decided to confirm with Mrs. FI that I wasn’t guilty of this. I mean, there’s no way possible that I would ever do that; I know the importance of listening and how crucial it is to having meaningful friendships & community. So I asked: “Hey Mrs. FI, I don’t look at my phone when people talk to me, do I?” (I was sure I didn’t). GUT PUNCH – she said I do that exact thing to her when it’s her turn to talk. Doh!!! I’m thankful Mrs. FI is comfortable enough to tell me that. I’m going to make a serious effort to not do this in the future and I’ve asked her to call me out if I do.
By the way, Mrs. FI’s input backs up my belief that choosing your life partner is the most important decision you will ever make. See 004 | The Ultimate Leverage: Choosing Your Life Partner (Mrs. FIcology) for more info.
So, maybe now’s a good time to share my thoughts, and to remind myself, about the importance of listening.
Obvious Benefits of Listening
In our everyday lives, listening is critical to improved understanding, effective communication, conflict resolution, increased productivity, greater problem-solving, and so on. It’s required for us to do our jobs, have relationships, make sure our drive-thru order is correct, and participate in a small group.
Key to Building Relationships
Listening is probably the most important skill for building friendships & community. It is the ability to make others feel heard. Listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to speak.
There’s a difference between hearing people and listening to them. Listening is wanting to hear. – John Maxwell
Actively listening benefits others by:
- Demonstrating empathy – you understand them.
- Showing them respect – what they have to say matters.
- Indicating genuine interest – you WANT to know their story.
- Building trust – they feel heard and understood.
- Fostering deeper relationships – you know and care more about each other.
- Empowering them – validates them and encourages them to share confidently.
Actively listening helps you:
- Be approachable – we’re attracted to people we can talk to.
- Increase your influence – “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” – John Maxwell.
- Grow personally – listening and reflecting on others’ stories helps you gain empathy, self-awareness, and interpersonal skills.
- Gain wisdom – you can’t learn if you’re talking.
Why This Matters to Your FI/FIRE Journey
Aside from the pure friendship & community benefits, your FI/FIRE journey gains as well. Let’s talk through just a few possible examples.
You can’t learn from others’ journeys if you’re not listening. There’s no one right answer to any FI topic. The sheer uniqueness of our journeys makes that impossible. Hearing other people describe their journeys, the problems encountered, mistakes made, and solutions found is the best way to find answers and ideas applicable to your unique journey.
People don’t share personal information without trust. Money is a sacred topic to people. They don’t discuss it with just anyone. The best money conversation you’ll ever have is with someone who feels that you’re “safe” to have it with. And that person will likely decide you’re safe while you’re listening to them, not talking.
Being a FI community contributor requires trust and listening. Inevitably someone is going to mention an aspect of their finances that needs correcting. Maybe they have a whole life insurance policy, all their money is in a savings account, or they’re not taking advantage of their employer’s 401k matching. You know the right answer. This is where the quote “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” comes in. If you’re going to influence others toward FI, you’re going to have to show you care first. And listening is one of the best ways to show that you care.
Tips for Active Listening
Here are a few tips that I’ve personally found helpful.
- Make eye contact – if this is difficult, try noticing the colors & details of a person’s eyes. (Note: make eye contact while both listening AND talking.)
- Be present – don’t look at your phone, read email, daydream, etc.
- Clarify/rephrase – restate what you think you heard.
- Give positive feedback – nod that you understand, choose appropriate body language.
- Be patient – give people time to talk, don’t finish their sentences.
- Don’t interrupt – let people finish talking before jumping in with your thoughts.
Confession – “Make eye contact” is the hardest item on this list for me. For whatever reason, I’m extremely awkward in this department. I do my best to stay somewhere between “why does this guy always look off into the distance” and “this psychopath is freaking me out with his intense eye contact”, lol.
I do my best to stay somewhere between “why does this guy always look off into the distance” and “this psychopath is freaking me out with his intense eye contact”
Wrap Up
I hope you found this helpful or at least a little humorous. Anything that helps us build friendships and community ultimately helps our well-being. And my experience has been that building friendships has been one of the hardest things to do – check out 018 | Life After FI: Six Months In – Happier, Anxious, and Still Figuring It Out. Happiness and well-being are just as important to our FI/FIRE journey as the financial side. Without those, there’s not much value in financial independence. See 024 | Wealth Is About More Time, Not More Stuff for more on that.
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person didn’t listen? Comment your experience below.
As always, thank you for reading. Check out the FI calculator while you’re here. And if you like this, please share with a friend and follow us on Facebook.
I love you, FI friend. See you next time! ♥️
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