The Question
It’s a simple and harmless question. I’ve asked it and been asked it hundreds of times. It’s a great icebreaker. It’s a great way to get to know someone. The answer encompasses our identity, social status, and self-worth. After FIRE-ing, it can sting a little when asked. If you read my last post 018 | Life After FI: Six Months In – Happier, Anxious, and Still Figuring It Out, you know the question I’m talking about. It can really catch you off guard the first few times you’re asked. Be ready, because it’s only a matter of time before someone turns to you and asks:
“So, what do you do?”
Why It Stings
Actually, “sting” may not be the only word I’d use to describe the feeling when asked what I do after retiring early. Depending on the situation, I’ve felt: “awkward”, “guilty”, “embarrassed”, and “confused”, to name a few emotions. The first time someone asked, it just caught me totally off guard and I was momentarily confused while my brain stumbled to formulate a response: “uhmmmm… nothing, I guess… I’m sort of, well, I am retired”. On other occasions I’ve felt guilty for having the luxury of free time while others have to work (perhaps for the rest of their lives). And on other occasions I’ve felt awkward or embarrassed just because I’m in front of people I don’t know and I’m not comfortable disclosing that much about myself.
But recently I was asked and it stung a little. It stung even though I’ve already been asked a number of times. I should be past any discomfort, but apparently I’m not. I was attending a local AI Collective meetup on a Thursday night. Most of the crowd was there after work. It was full of people with strong, one-line answers to the question. “I’m a software engineer for X.” “I’m CTO at Y.” “I’m the founder at Z.” But me? I’m just there because I’m interested, as a hobby, exploring new things, to learn. I have no company, no project, no sales pitch, not even anywhere to be in the morning.
Then it happened — someone finally looked at me and asked “So, what do you do?”. My brain panicked and the negative thoughts rushed through it: “Oh crap, I don’t do anything”, “I’m going to seem like an idiot”, “These people are wasting their time talking to me”, “I no longer have any purpose or anything to offer”. And there is the sting — loss of identity. For the first time, I felt the full sting of losing my work identity, the identity I’d had for 30 years, MY one-liner. I managed to blurt something out about what I used to do and walked away feeling a little ashamed.
A New Phase of Life
The sting I experienced left me unsettled and feeling a little devoid of purpose. I’m now asking myself the question: “So, what do I do?”. After pondering this for a few days, I realized that the people in that AI Collective meeting are in a different phase of life than me. They’re still in their striving phase of life. They’re climbing, achieving, and acquiring. This phase of life is generally about having, doing, and achieving more.
I’m in a new phase of life now, different from the phase that my AI Collective friends are in. I’m searching for meaning, connection, and happiness. My phase of life is sort of about having and achieving less (or at least I should be, but that’s another topic). So, “retirement me” does have an identity and purpose. It’s just different from what “career me” had. Further, judging “retirement me” against the standards of “career me” is setting myself up for failure.
A New Answer to the Question
Since I am in a new phase of life, “what I do” isn’t missing; it’s just different. What I need, then, is a new answer to the question that aligns with my new priorities. This phase of life, I believe, is a quest for true and lasting happiness. And if you read 008 | Abundant Living: Giving and Receiving and 009 | Community: Life or Death / Boom or Bust, you know that “serving others” and “community” are critical to true happiness.
These two things go hand-in-hand. Community is about relationships. And serving others is a significant part of building relationships. The most important relationships to build are with my family first, close friends next, and then with others. Serving my family & friends happens on many levels/dimensions and it is much deeper and more involved than serving others. As such, the easiest way to describe my new purpose regarding family & friends is for me to just state my roles of “husband”, “father”, and “friend”. Serving others can happen in many ways, but my personal favorite is through encouragement. Today’s world of faceless communication like email, text, and social media is quick to tear people down. Encouragement is craved and needed more than ever.
So, the next time I’m asked “what do you do”, I have an answer that fits the pursuits of my new phase of life. I’ll likely tweak it to fit the situation, but I think I’ll answer (with a little humor) something like this:
I’m a husband, father, friend, and encourager. And I think you, my friend, are doing a great job!
Takeaway: You Have a New Purpose
What I’ve learned from this is that I haven’t lost my identity. I’ve left the building, achieving, and acquiring phase of life and entered a new phase focused on happiness, true purpose, and serving others. “What I do now” is different from “what I did then”. This experience has also reinforced to me that I’m on the right track by focusing on community and relationships. So, when you retire, be ready. What will your answer be to “the question”?